Friday night at the ER

You would not believe what happened to my little baby yesterday....sheesh I shake my head as I write this and as any mother would think.....why did this happen to MY baby?

We were upstairs in our bedroom, I changed LC's onesie and then was changing from my shorts into pants. I sat her down on the floor next to me while I was getting the pants from the drawer/closet which opens out but has pull-out drawers inside. She can easily pull herself up to standing now...well that's what she exactly did. She pulled herself up on the other side, slipped on the hardwood floor, and fell face forward onto the F$%%INg door-hinge.

I've never heard her cry harder....I really thought I was having a heart attack. She was face-down, I quickly picked her up and big sploshy red drops of blood fell down. I turned her over and there's a big gash on top of her right eyebrow and it's bleeding pretty heavily. I said SHIT.....then I thought OH SHIT!!!!

I'm standing there in my underwear, blood dripping down my leg, LC screaming her poor head off....I was so shocked...I ran down to the kitchen with her, grabbed a towel, put several ice cubes in there and pressed down on the wound. My husband was on his way back from work, I couldn't call him because our reception is horrible (don't get me started) and I couldn't drive while holding her.

I ran to our neighbor C.'s house and she looked at us and just said ok let's go, get in the car. When we arrived at the emergency room and I was running towards the desk, people standing there must've thought we just came from WWIII....they promptly moved aside and let me in. I mean there was ALOT of blood.

After all the blood was wiped off...the gash wasn't too bad. LC calmed down, B. arrived straight to the ER, and I was explained by the nurse that head wounds bleed A LOT and that it always looks much worse than it is.

But...it's MY BABY! I don't care how big or little....it is always WORST for me. Well I was glad..things can always BE worse, I guess, and at least she didn't hit her eye or break her nose or something...oh god, I can't even think about that.

The miracle of medicine huh??? Who ever knew that now they can just superglue you together (with DermaBond). She's ok now...but I feel horrible. I know it was an accident but I feel like I should get a bad mother award... hopefully it won't scar too bad. Here's a picture of her I took at the ER.

My first meme tag

Last week, Kel tagged me to participate in the following meme and it took me a while to answer all of these, hhmmm other posts kept popping up. Well, the answers are finally here and I've passed on the tag to another four, look down below. Enjoy ~


Four jobs I've had:
1. Waitress (countless places)
2. Typist (for an author writing a book)
3. I made sandwiches at a Deli (and was on TV :)
4. I hung those annoying plastic bags on top of clothes at a Dry Cleaners

What are four ways you know you are living your life's purpose?
1. Life is ongoing progress - I try to enrich my mind and strenghten my body
2. I make it a purpose to raise a healthy, happy child
3. I'm furthering my education to build my health-care career
4. I know life is too short, I try to be happy and easy-going

What are four things you do to take really good care of yourself?
1. I quit smoking
2. I've started to exercise regularly
3. I'm cutting back on juices and sodas - drinking milk and water mostly
4. I try to get as much sleep as possible (this is hard though with a baby)

What are the four events that have most formed how you live your life today?
1. My parents separating - it makes me try my hardest for a happy marriage
2. Meeting my husband - he brings out the best in me
3. Having a baby - it puts EVERYTHING in perspective
4. Car accident at 16 - made me realize life is precious and unfortunately short, so live it to the fullest

What are four things you do to keep your motivation up to work out and eat healthy every day?
1. I set time-goals and make up scheduled calendars...then try to keep it :)
2. I blog about my efforts
3. I try to include my husband and make it a family affair
4. I keep my favorite "old" clothes out and can't wait to fit into them

Name four people who have been the most influential in motivating you to change your eating and exercise habits:
1. My SS friends (skinny & single)....yes there is a post about that somewhere here
2. My blog friends - you guys are incredibly supportive!
3. Jessica Alba - she's so good-looking and doesn't hide that she has to work hard at it
4. My mom - always reminding me that if I don't get "it" back now after the baby, it'll STAY!!!

What are your four top reasons for staying off refined sugar and white flour?
1. It takes one packet of Splenda to sweeten up anything vs. dumping MANY teaspoons of sugar
2. Sugar gives you cavities?
3. Whole grain/wheat flour has much more fiber and is healthier
4. I don't know...I still eat white flour sometimes though

List four ways that blogging has helped you attain or maintain your goals
1. Even though I could probably lie online, what's the point? Blogging keeps me accountable
2. I'm infamous for announcing my grand plans to the world way before I know what I'm getting into...again accountability...because now I'm ashamed if I don't follow through
3. I feel inspired by other bloggers and sometimes try what they're trying when I reach a funk
4. Maybe there's tiny hope that even little old me could be inspire someone else (?)...I try to be successful in my attempts so others can join me!

Who I'm tagging:
1. Evolving Mom
2. Momisodes
3. Jogging in Circles
4. East to Southwest

The Rules:

• Link to the person who tagged you
• Post the rules on your blog
• Share four things in these themes (or replace them with your own “four things” questions)
• Tag four random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs
• Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website.

Multiple Personality

Julie asked me how I'm getting back to my running after getting sick. Oy, was I dreading this...and actually I've been meaning to write about this, so it's perfect she'd brought it up. Any kind of respiratory illness makes it hard to be active because it puts your most important bodily function under stress - your breathing.

Now that I'm a little better, have I been back to running? Uh, no. I don't want to write an excuse - I was just plain lazy. As you guys know, I've never been a "natural" at running, and it is a struggle for me. That's where the multiple personality comes in. There's a Jojo in me that WANTS to run and then there's the real me who takes it as a chore. I hate this. But this doesn't kick in until I'm actually on the road.

At home, I'm all good and enthusiastic, I happily put on my funky running attire, strap on my sneaks, snuggle my iPod buds in my ear and go out. I breathe in the fresh air and the whole world seems wonderful. I start running and the odd 10 pounds I've lost prove their absence SO evident with my body feeling light and easy. I start thinking, "Oh, you could just EASILY run an extra mile than you've planned (2.4 miles)

Ok.....sounds peachy eh? HA! After a little while, my chest starts feeling a little tight and my calf muscles bring on this WEIRD sensation...is it burning or tightening - I can't describe it. And then only into the beginning I'm just like AM I DONE ALREADY??? No...you've only gone a quarter mile and your face is royally purple already. So I keep pushing and keep going. When I finally come back home, I feel really good that I've finished. (I can never run non-stop, I always walk in between)

How do I stop this? First of all, I would love for my calves to stop hurting, and I'd love for my head to stop whining. People say "fake it till you make it" but I don't think I can just fake it until I become a real runner that LOVES it and wakes up at 5am to do it. It'll always be something that I just do, not something I crave for. I don't know I'm confused just as any multiple personality person might feel.

I kissed my 141 pound ass goodbye, I'm back to like 142.5...but it's not that much of a gain and I can certainly work it off. But just like anything, it's actually getting STARTED. My blog and other weight loss blogs have certainly always been an encouragement, so I'll keep to my promises and start today. Yes, I've laid it down in words in PUBLIC, so I gotta get my body moving.....

Sometimes I have no Title in mind

I got this HUGE cold sore on my upper lip - GAWD it's disgusting - and then to top it off, I had to go out again getting stupid health forms filled out for school. I was SO embarrased everytime I talked to someone, I felt like it was all they could see.

Why the hell does it have to go and appear right on times like this you know? It freakin' itches too, I want to POP it eeewww. Anyway, I know cold sores are a form of Herpes Simplex or something, no, not the STD - those are herpes of a different kind. But the fact that the ones on the mouth are SO nasty, makes ya think huh what the ones on the privates looks like? GROSSSSS.

I wish we had health insurance, it's so expensive and B's employer doesn't offer. I have to get a physical, immunizations, titers, TB skin tests, AND a drug test done for school. *Titer is, I found out, a blood test to see if you're immune to the disease....I have to get it even if I had the immunization already. I went to a clinic nearby, the one where you don't need an appointment, (we don't have a family doctor) to get a price list, and here's the breakdown:

Physical $41.00
Drug test $35.00
Hepatitis vaccine $72.00
Tdap vaccine $50.00
TB 1 (skin test) $6.00
TB 2 (skin test) $6.00
Rubeola titer $84.00
Mumps titer $48.00
Rubella titer $74.00
Varicella $75.00

Having a minor seizure at this sight - PRICELESS

P.S. Are you kidding me, no I didn't pay for it....I'm still shopping around to get a better price, the sucky Health Department doesn't offer most of these. So we'll see.

I'm BACK - said Ahnold style :)

Wow, so being sick really sucks! I've been away from BuddhaBelle for a while now, just taking a break getting well because not only was I sick, but my daughter hasn't been feeling well either. I'm still coughing up a lung and excreting nasty things from my nasal passages...poor LC has a constant runny nose and her little nose is all red :(

All the old"er" people I know have always said that the most important in life is health...well, let me tell ya they KNOW what they're talking about. When you or your child is sick, nothing else matters. Whoever gave us this nasty virus is gonna get it! TOO BAD I KNOW WHO EXACTLY THAT IS hehehe!

I've missed everyone in the blogosphere, haven't been able to visit or comment lately, sorry, I will definitely catch up. Also, the nursing school has SO MANY demands. I have to get an FBI clearance, the state's clearance where the school is, and child abuse clearance...geez makes me feel like a criminal. Then, I have to get regular student health insurance, malpractice insurance, CPR certification, and other such things which add up to a lot of money. I have to run around getting all this paperwork ready AND find an apartment there...oy. If I only knew.

You know, I registered for all my fall classes and they are all freaky early in the morning...couple years back I would've moaned and bitched and probably got an alarm clock that shook my whole bed...yes, they do exist for deep sleepers. But now, that I'm a mom, getting up early has become quite natural actually - very ironic indeed - and then sometimes, I AUTOMATICALLY wake up early even when the babe hasn't. Cra..zy!

Feedburner has thankfully stopped malfunctioning and I've been checking - thanks for everyone who kept coming back here! It makes me feel good that ya'll are waiting for my posts...oh warm fuzzy feeling creeping up in my sick soul :) I definitely have some stuff I want to write about so look for it. Hope everyone had a nice long Memorial Day weekend, we definitely enjoyed ours with our friends coming to visit and everything...also I won a ping pong tournament against my husband and had him take me shopping!!!!!! HA! Tell ya about that later and the best thing about last week was that hub and I both got iPhones (well he got us) and IT IS AWESOME, it's definitely the best gadget I've had but AT&T service is patchy in areas.

Tweeting has become MUCH easier now with the iPhone, so go ahead, join the cool kids and FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER!

I'm sick :(

The weekend was SORTA fun...I enjoyed seeing my friends, the hub played bball with the guys and we ate at my favorite Korean restaurant - Bulgogi and kimchi warm my soul! The tournament was great, except.....it literally took all day and there weren't enough seats. Anyway, the team with my girlfriends on it WON!!! Congrats ladies!

The SORTA part comes in where I got a TERRIBLE cold, sore throat, or STREP throat? I don't know, whatever it is, it is killing me. I can't hear out of one ear, can't breath, and can't talk. I really wanted to write a fun post but man, I really can't. Sorry...I can't even keep my running schedule this week and the 5K is drawing near. Poor baby, LC has a runny nose and I'm sure she'll get sick too :(

Madness Hamsters :)

Happy Friday everyone, I have no letter for today, thus this is the closing of the TMYS series...Thanks for everyone who participated and I hope for a better turn-out next time around. You can read all of the letters HERE.

"No wise man ever wished to be younger."
I think this is the perfect quote to sum up our experiences...we have learned our life lessons and we wouldn't be who we are today if we hadn't lived through them - now we gotta live in the present and look forward to our future.

This week was full of sleepless nights, itchy skin, and allergies...all I gotta say is I'm looking forward to the weekend - we're visiting friends in Chicago and watching some friends play in the Chicago Mongolian basketball tournament. So I probably won't be around blogoland, hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

TMYS - Kel's Letter

I'm very happy to present Kel's TMYS letter today. I like to think Kel and I are "blog" friends LOL, she somehow stumbled onto BuddhaBelle, never linked her blog, and then I found hers through my Feedburner. She's a woman after my heart - a la running, but she's past 5K's now (I'm trying to catch up) and onto a marathon. That's awesome! Visit her over at Cafe Kel and read up on what Kel's been up to!

Dear Me,

As I look back on the younger years, I think of the moments when I was you and I couldn't wait to 'grow up' or 'be free.' It's quite funny really because there are things that if I had only known then I might not have taken them for granted.

Don't be in a Hurry - speeding up the process by jumping over the middle does not increase happiness. There are important steps in the middle that need to be addressed. These are important to understanding, later in life, how the process really works and not just how the process works for us.

Be considerate - I understand it is hard to care about anyone else when it seems no one ever cared about you, but the truth is there were so many who cared, you just never noticed. There were people who have touched your life in ways you cannot repay and eventually the time will come when you do realize it, but it will be too late to say Thank you, these people help bring out the best in you.

Don't give up - It would be easy to say don't let your stubbornness get in the way, but even now we have not mastered that art. Instead my advice to you would be "don't let other people take away or dictate what you have." You will succeed at some things and fail at others but this does not mean you shouldn't ever try. Try things you're not good at, continue doing what you are good at and learn to enjoy the process, you will wish you had later on.

Love - don't be afraid. Love is messy. Love hurts. Love can make you smile from the inside out. People come and people go, some will break your heart and some will teach you how to love fiercely. It was never meant to be easy or fit in a neat little box. It's not just fun and games ... it's about learning to love yourself too, about allowing yourself to be loved, seeing yourself through someone else's eyes and knowing that you can be all of that and more.

Be kind - to yourself. We really are our own worst enemy. We've built up a wall so high that it is hard to tear down once we've realized it's even there. Locking yourself inside will not keep out the bad. We brought that inside with us and all we've done is lock ourselves in with it. Know that the world really is your oyster, possibilities are endless and no man, woman or child should ever stop you from achieving your goals. Life is going to throw you a few curve balls, but you survive them and are better for it. Things you never thought possible will become likely and I promise they are beautiful. Just be kind to yourself, you are better than you imagine.

The most important piece of advice I could give my younger self is to open your heart to possibility and follow it where it leads. It is an amazing journey. There are moments when you're on top of the world and moments when you hit rock bottom, but through it all you learn strength, courage, determination and yes, you find love. You have a fighter's spirit, so go and fight for what you want from this life...don't wait until you become me to do it. When you find what you are looking for, hold on...fight for it each and every day and don't lose sight of what you are fighting for...I promise it is worth it, YOU are worth it!

Always with you
~K

TMYS - Hosoo's Letter

For today's TMYS letter, we have my dear friend Hosoo. She lives in IN and works in the field of Information Technology. I've known Hosoo for quite some time now and SO excited she's joining me for the YWCA 5K this coming June. She's not a blogger but don't we ALL foresee this in her future??? Hint*Hint* It'd be great and I'll be your most enthusiastic commenter, just like you! Awesome.

Dear Younger Hosoo,

I’m writing this letter to you because I only wish that there was a way that I could turn back time and help you avoid those mistakes or understand those things that you just didn’t know.

Summer of 1996: You were 15 and so curious about boys.

There’s really nothing wrong with being curious about boys and talking to them. Your mom did a pretty good job drilling lectures in your head about boys, sex and its consequences. You know what not to do but at times you were just so damn careless. An example: You lied to your mother about spending the night at your cousin’s and went to this house party with a bunch of teenagers that you met and befriended with at a summer camp. There were many boys, and alcohol among other things. For some stupid reason, you thought it would be cool to share a bottle of vodka with 2 boys in the kitchen. Damn girl! Didn’t you know that your mom, brothers and grandfather and pretty much everybody in your mom’s side didn’t have any tolerance for alcohol? What made you think that you were any better than them in your alcohol consumption skills? Fast forward 6 hours, you woke up on the floor in the living room sleeping next to this guy. Oh by the way, you threw up in your hair while you were asleep….yuck. Luckily, nobody took advantage of your helpless body. Thank GOD! Well, you learned your lesson all right, because you never drank like that ever again.

1997 – 1998: You were still a typical teenager, worried about boys and clothes

Girl, do you know how much time you have wasted thinking about boys, talking to your girlfriends about boys and talking to boys? Instead, you could’ve studied harder and focused on other important things in life. Remember when you were 13 and 14, you really liked swimming a lot and just hanging out with your other cute friends listening to “New Kids On the Block”? More like being in love with them? J. That was cute. Why couldn’t you continue swimming and spending your time in other meaningful activities? Another thing I wish you could’ve done is to pay more attention to your mother. Your mom is the backbone of your household and she’s like the glue that holds your family together. I wish you talked to your mother more and just be there for her because she went through a lot. You knew it but you just lived with it. She needed your support the most because you’re her only daughter and your 3 brothers just don’t understand. Couldn’t you notice that your mom had been really sad and unhappy for many years? All you did was to blame your father for everything. Although he was and is the reason for much of her unhappiness, least you could’ve done was to support your mother in any way you can.

Summer of 1999: Almost 1 year after you moved to the U.S with your family.

I know it was difficult for you to adjust to an American culture and learn English. You did a good job obtaining your GED and taking SAT because American universities wouldn’t accept your high school diploma from Mongolia. So you did what you gotta do in that field. However, you were still so clueless in other areas. Example: Remember that day you were bored at home and watching TV. They were running “Psychic Hotline” commercials all the time? Well, what were you thinking picking up the phone and dialing that 1-800 number that had disclosure written in tiny letters that you couldn’t see and also disappeared off the screen so fast? You talked to that ‘psychic’ woman for maybe 30 minutes talking about nothing important. A month later, you got a phone bill for over $400. That summer, you worked extra hours at McDonald’s to pay that bill off behind your parents’ back. Luckily, you were in charge of paying the phone bills which usually were just under $30 and nobody found out your stupid psychic mistake.

2000 -2004: College years!

Girl, I know you busted your butt going to school full time and working at least 30 hours a week trying to make ends meet. I’ll give you that. But you were just too busy to realize that what you were majoring in wasn’t really want you wanted. You changed your major twice! First it was business, then it was Telecom and then you changed it to Informatics. Since you thought you liked IT, you could’ve taken other technical courses or obtain certifications in different areas to strengthen your knowledge and skills. Because they don’t really teach you what you need to know in real world. They don’t, trust me! You also should have made time to get involved in other extracurricular activities because you were always so busy with school and work, you pretty much abandoned everything else. You should’ve enjoyed your ‘college years’ and made time for your friends.

2005 – 2006 – Home Sweet Home

So you went back to Mongolia a year after graduating college. You wanted to see what it’s like to live and work in Mongolia as it had been 7 years since you left home. Although you visited home several times during those 7 years, those visits were only few weeks at a time. Things were different in Mongolia than the U.S. You found yourself trying to adjust to yet another culture. You tried but at times your friends and coworkers called you ‘anti-social’ cause you weren’t really clicking with them. One of the most important things that you could’ve done being in Mongolia was to bond with your family, relatives and friends. You have missed out on lot of things while you were away. That was your chance to rebuild your relationship with those that you love and care. Unfortunately, you only had 1 year to do so because you fell in love with an American man in college and you guys decided to get married. You were there for your family and friends but you could’ve embraced every moment that you spent with them. Because you won’t get to see them as often as you would like now that you’re back in the States.

Summer of 2006 – 2007: Married and mature you

I don’t have much to say or complain to you because I know you did everything you can do improve circumstances in your life during this time. What a ride it’s been, huh? Getting married and getting to know your husband on a different level and most importantly finding yourself. You found out that you were much more patient and stronger that you thought you were. You never thought you had it in you to understand and forgive those who you hurt you and betrayed you. Now that you’re back in the States and happily married, you miss your family and friends so much. Your grandpa passed away and you just felt so lonely and sad not being able to be with your family during this difficult time. Sometimes you felt like you can never be happy because you can’t have everybody that you love in one place. It’s a sacrifice that you had to make to be with the man you love. Just keep on living and be grateful for everything you have in life. It’s a blessing!

TMYS - Michelle's Letter

I'm glad to introduce Michelle and her TMYS letter here. I'm sure you guys have seen her commenting around Buddha Belle. She has been one of my best friends since high school. She has two adorable kids and is a wonderful friend, mother, and person overall. She's new to blogging, you can pop on over to East to Southwest to show her some support.

To My Younger Self,

Don't ever put that pencil down. You will reach a point where you'll feel that you're not good enough. That is not the case. Once you put that pencil down, your life will change. Your world will change...and you will lose A LOT. Don't be afraid of the challenges. The ones you face right now are much easier than the ones you'll face if you give up on yourself now.

You have it really easy in high school. Try not to skip so many days of school and be a little more assertive. Don't let your childish relationships with those geniuses hinder your schoolwork. Take advantage of the relationship and let them help you accelerate. I know you feel trouble at home and you feel the need to have someone by your side, loving you and giving you all their attention. But no one lives off of words and empty promises. In any and all of your relationships, don't worry or fret over the tiny things. Worry about yourself, your health, and YOUR happiness.

Once you hit college - that's where the adventure really begins. And it could be the GREATEST TIME OF YOUR LIFE. Just don't let that crush for that tall, dark, green-eyed COWARD fool you. Looking deep down inside of him, he is a man who loves to beat up on women, cheat, and LIE LIE LIE. Just keep gazing, just keep fantasizing. But nothing more...He is not worth it. Better yet, stick to Nathan. He's your free ticket to ITALIA! and happiness.

Now - when you go to that club with your Mommy, against your will but for her sake, and that man holds out his hand to dance with you - DON'T LET HIM GET YOU PREGNANT AFTER A MONTH OF KNOWING HIM. I STILL haven't figured him out yet. I am not sure if his intentions were good or bad.

Still, ya'll could have had a great relationship. You could've had him eating out of the palm of your hands, kissing your feet, feeding you grapes while fanning you. Don't give in so easily. Let him come to you. Let him prove himself worthy. Let him take care of you. He is a great guy, but if you drown him with your tears and complaints, you'll just push him away and lose the game.

Remember, words and empty promises don't put food on the table, clothe you, or shelter you. They just hurt you.

Plan that move to Arizona AND MOVE! DO NOT GO TO AUSTIN. DO NOT APPLY AT LOWES. AND *DO NOT* FALL FOR THAT MAN WITH SPARKLY BLUE EYES. You think your mom has ruined your life. You think you know what hurt feels like. You think you've heard all the lies in the world. This one is the final and most deadly predatory of all time. He will lure you into his web and hypnotize you. You will never be the same. You will never love the same. You will never trust the same. He will leave you penniless and bitter. And maybe in a mental institution.

You're sixteen and you plan to adopt kids when you're 26. Draw, draw, DRAW your heart out and get that degree. When you're done with the first one, get another degree. And if by that time, you're done with your studies and don't find yourself working in Italy side by side with Nathan, start your family. Most importantly, once you begin the role of a mother, don't let ANYONE get in the way of you and your kids. Don't worry about anything else than your kids and your health. You live only once and you either make the best of it or the worst.

Don't let go of that pencil and you'll be just fine.

CONFIDENCE, STRENGTH & LOVE within yourself is all you need.

Sincerely,

Yourself 10 years older, 2 kids wiser, topped with stress, bitterness, and a little hope

My 100th Post!

Sandy over at Momisodes (I love her blog!) was talking about missing her 100th and then 200th post....until I read that, I never even thought about something like that. But then, heck, it IS special isn't it? You create content here, people come to read it, you interact...I love it. Blogs really are wonderful, makes sure to check out ALL those listed on my blogroll to the right there - I'm positive you will enjoy them.

I really didn't have anything special planned to be written for this...except that it's my 100th post, yay! The main motivation behind keeping up with this blog in the beginning was to chronicle my weight loss. That's when I had like 1 subscriber...and it WAS my husband who I MADE join. Now I see many more different people coming in, regular ones and comments, people actually signing up to read what I write - it's all so encouraging, it really makes being a stay-at-home-mom not so bad...hehehe I guess not that monotonous you know?

Thanks you guys for participating in To My Younger Self, you can still submit. I'll leave you guys with a picture I took recently:


"I eat Victoria's Secret models for lunch!"

TMYS - Jojo's Letter

Happy Monday everyone! Today I'll kick off the To My Younger Self event by sharing my own letter. Keep posted throughout the week for letters written by my readers. It's never too late to participate (Sandy, Kimmy?), please help out the compilation by submitting. Get details HERE. Send it to jojo@buddhabelle.com! Enjoy.


Dear Young Jojo,

I thought this was going to be easy to write…but I don’t know, thought by thought it’s proving to be harder than I thought. What do I tell the girl that used to be me, in many ways the person that is still very much me?

I had many friends that hurt me and very few that stayed for the long run. New ones came along but we are always alone in this world, no matter how many loved ones we have. The one thing that we can learn to make our lives easier is to face this fact and be comfortable while we ARE by ourselves. Many mistakes are made when we search for those people that we think will fulfill us, that will accompany us in life, to guide us and cry with us. Most of the time, the people we find, they take advantage of this vulnerability and abuse it. That’s naivete, my friend…we are alone inside and no one can join us. But that’s ok.

You should be braver on occasions. You should stand up for yourself and not let the wrong people put you down. The shame you feel is something that never goes away, it becomes a scar…no, a secret that you don’t want to reveal. Stupid girls bullying you, careless boys breaking your heart, friends betraying, and family disappointing…it all happens I suppose, but you will learn from this and move on.

The phrase that “money makes the world go round” is absolutely true, no matter how IDEALISTIC you want to be…you should learn that materialism gets old quickly and you should not try to keep up with Mrs. Jones. Jojo – save money when you have the chance! Money will never fulfill the happiness that other things can provide but is important in keeping you comfortable.

Not till this day do I feel comfortable with my body…I guess I may have low self-esteem as people say, but when I was younger, it would have been easier to nip it in the bud. Maybe if I was writing this letter to myself when I’m 80, I would have told myself, “You silly goose!!! Waste that energy somewhere else.” That somewhere else is learning from early on to be “healthy” and eating clean. I know you think that cuisine is one of the pleasures of life – but, my dear, overindulgence will get your ass fat, period.

You have many faults and realizing them will be a humbling experience. No matter what age you are, it IS never too late to try to correct them. Don’t be jealous of your future husband all the time, don’t be insecure…it is hard but LOVE comes to a full circle only with trust. Know that in the future, you’ll be wise enough to choose the prince over all the frogs and have beautiful children…you will find out your true calling in life.

Keep pursuing your dream of helping people - that is what matters in this life, being happy yourself and helping your fellow man. Don't slack off in school, you'll miss it later - yea, sounds ridiculous but you will. Keep reading, learning, nothing puts us down more than being ignorant. Life is progress with each and every day – keep up! Lastly, keep your friends close and love your family, even through their mistakes. Don’t be afraid to try new things and raise your children right – they are a reflection of you.

Mommy's Big Pineapple

On this exact day a year ago, I was attending my graduation and had to share my day of celebration with all the other mothers in the audience. At some point, whoever was speaking at the time, I think our President, asked ALL the mothers to stand up to celebrate our day. I looked back to the thousands of people there and there were so many moms standing up proudly, including my mommy too.

Then.....there was me. I was six months pregnant and technically a mom, I guess. But I didn't know what to do....should I stand or keep quiet. I mean not many knew I was preggers anyway and not many students were standing up. Do I become a real mom when the baby is born or am I automatically a mom by being pregnant? By the time this whole thought process was through, all the mothers were sitting down while I almost got up. Yea, I regretted it.

This weekend has been like a national holiday at our household. I slept until 11am yesterday - scandalous! Came downstairs to a beautiful breakfast and absolutely gorgeous flowers, heart-shaped balloon, my favorite - CAKE!, and pineapple....hahahaha I love pineapple. Yes, the HUB is reading beside and is urging me to mention that it was the BIGGEST pineapple of the bunch. OK!

You guys know how I feel about sushi, he took me to our favorite Japanese place, which was just FULL of prom couples, who the hell knew that it was prom weekend too. Our little baby girl was just hanging out, taking in all the excitement - but I did make sure to thank her for making me a mommy. I'm supposed to go pick out my present today and ooooh am I excited! Happy Mother's Day!

p.s. Ladies (and lads), it's still not too late to send in your letters for To My Younger Self. I'm not very anal on deadlines so it's ALL GOOD...please participate.

Spectrophobia

This is what I have. Fear of ghosts. MedicineNet.com defines it as an abnormal and persistent fear of ghosts. Sufferers of this fear experience undue anxiety even though they realize their fear is irrational. For the love of the Dude above, I just cannot help myself. I think my imagination is just damn too fertile.

The first time I thought I saw a ghost was when my aunt had died when I was about 7...I don't remember, but I was little. My parents and my extended family were very busy with the funeral and everything, and my cousin was staying overnight. As we were sleeping in my room, in the middle of the night, suddenly I woke up and I saw the door creaking back and forth. There was nobody there. I looked around to see if a window was open and it wasn't. I rushed to wake up my cousin and when she did, the door had already stopped moving. OH MY GOD, needless to say, this has WRECKED my whole life. I never forgot this and I'm convinced that it WAS my aunt.

Anyway, fast-forward to the present and at 23, I'm still freaked out about ghostly spirits. I can't even close my eyes when I shampoo my hair, and sometimes I ask my husband to come "visit" and him being a sweetie, sits on the toilet and plays his PSP while I finish. Funny, I know but I don't know what to do about it. It doesn't help that we're currently renting a house where someone we KNEW died, and we WERE THERE when it happened. (No it wasn't murder, don't worry, she was just sick and old)

So last night, one of the WORST things occurred, something I've been imagining about since I became a mom. Think about it: your child is peacefully sleeping upstairs, you're downstairs with the monitor on, doing super-important things (like reading cool blogs?)...suddenly you hear an evil little laugh on the monitor which YOU KNOW isn't your child. OH MY GOD, I almost pissed my pants.

I was so afraid to go upstairs that I woke up my husband who fell asleep watching TV (why am I ALWAYS witnessing these things by myself) and we went together. I was half-expecting a little ghostly midget hovering over my helpless child, me having a deathly heart attack while my husband has no idea what's going on since he DOESN't have a sixth sense like me. But...there was nothing there. I guess the window was open and it must've come from outside.

But still, in the middle of the night, there wouldn't be any kids outside! Plus, don't you think there should be some noise before and after the EVIL laugh, something that had caused it or whatever. OK, I'll stop but if that happens again and you find I don't post at all anymore...you guys know what has happened. (we'll blog about it on the other side? LOL)


Image credit: www.37signals.com

the Confession of Numbers

In the last three and a half weeks, I've run almost a half-marathon - 13 and change miles. Not all together but through my training with running every other day...and on the days I'm not running I swim. Damn, I've been feeling it too. My legs feel heavy and believe it or not, some of my underwear is becoming loose. Mini-Yay for me!

I know I never talk about scale numbers here...the pounds I was or am or planning to be. Why? I don't know...I guess it just didn't feel right. I read a lot of other AMAZING weight loss blogs and so many of them are losing upwards of 50 pounds, becoming half their previous sizes and I just didn't want to compare myself with that, I was shy. But...today it's different. I will talk about it today.

The morning of my delivery I was 181 pounds. At 5'2'', that's pretty damn huge. My feet couldn't even support my weight anymore and my tail bone was starting to crush. I delivered an 8 pound 1 ounce baby and the crazy huge placenta. (WHY the hell doesn't anyone tell you that delivering the placenta is like having another baby? Sheesh)

After the baby and all the water weight came off, I became 157 pounds. After my six week "take it easy" period, I started working out. Walking mostly, sometimes running. It was hard. I came down to 153 pounds and stayed there for 6 months. I didn't do squat. I was tired and overwhelmed by the new member of our family that I just didn't have the extra energy.

As of this morning, I'm now 141 pounds...and it's taken me roughly under 3 months to lose 12 pounds. It didn't feel like anything since I'm always thinking "shit, I have 16 more to lose to my goal" - but now that I put it in words, I gotta say I'm a little proud of myself. I was wearing size 8 jeans after the baby, and now that pair has become quite loose that I'm starting to fit into my old size 6 ones. It's still a little tight and the muffin top is kind of there, but it's not too bad.

At my height, my body mass index still says I'm overweight and Weight Watchers has this cool calculation thing that says 125 is my ideal weight for my type of body. That was my goal before I found out.

I was wearing a size 6 pre-baby and I was wearing a size 4 pre-meeting my husband. When I reach my goal, I will be a size happy. (Yikes, I sound like those gay Jenny Craig commercials!!! STOP ME!) I don't think it's about the size or number of pounds that's important here...the point is extra weight is really hard on your joints, bones, and body - I mean you're carrying around weight and that's TIRING! I feel it when I run; imagine running around with a 25 pound baby attached to you at all times. Yup, that's how I felt.

Losing weight is a kind of self-discipline. Getting yourself motivated to go get it done, changing ALL your eating habits...and actually sticking to it is the clincher. Signing up for 5K's has helped to keep me motivated. I have my off days, days I completely slack off, over-eating, cravings for McDonald's, cheesecakes, etc. And if I were on a strict regimen, I guess I would lose a pound or so every week. But it's not like that for me...I've hit the plateau many times. But you keep going, and you have to be patient as this is a transformation of sorts, and those things take time. I've found a diet that I can keep for further maintenance and one that doesn't deprive me. You can read all that stuff in the archives so I won't dwell on it here.

My deadline for reaching that 125 is still August, so I've got roughly 3 months. I have a scheduled 2 mile run with my girlfriend tonight and for losing weight, that's the best thing. SCHEDULE. Good luck in your fitness endeavors and know I'm always here if you want support for your weight loss journey.

p.s. I find that after having a baby, no matter how much weight you lose, there's still that extra skin there. Yes, that's another thing we just "gotta take", and, No, it won't go away.

Politics of Marriage

Oy...am I going to be in trouble if I write this...HA! Yes I shall continue anyway.

So we're treading dangerous waters here. Marriage is awesome, but hard. There you were minding your own damn business and then you had to go get married...it happens, I feel ya. At first, you're reveling in the lovey-doveyness and then CRASH-KABOOM, you must become serious about your life, and move on with getting old. Can't put that off, right?

Nobody wants to air their dirty laundry in public and those of us who blog - it takes some cojones to put ourselves out here in the blogosphere. But yes, none of us and our lives are perfect and we all got problems now and then. Money issues, the "in-law" conversations, you didn't do this or that, and get your ass up when your kid is crying so I can sleep! ....yea all of that.

Let me give you a run-down (this is after the 2-day bickerfest):

- Don't you feel bad? Can't you ONCE IN YOUR LIFE admit that you're wrong?
- Why do you have to always be right? I'm not going to apologize because I just don't agree!
(He was wrong I tell ya, he was!!!)
- You are immature!
-Don't ever say that again! If I was immature I wouldn't be....blah blah I tuned him out
- Why are you being like this!? (I think my brain vein is popping at this moment)
- Whatever, I have to go poop. (and play basketball, great!)

It's so hard to pinpoint on your emotions when you're married and not just dating. You love this man insanely one second and then you're thinking you'd like to wax his balls while he sleeps. On the really bad days, you cry and feel restless thinking that now you're going to end up a divorcee, be a single mother, and face the major suckage that is your life.

Yes, sometimes I AM wrong...but it's like HE does or says something hurtful and then we start going at it. You try to resolve one issue and every extra WORD opens up a new can of worms that by the end of the horrible fight...you now have not only 1 issue but a 100.

THEN, when you calm down and try to resolve it again, you just CAN'T because you can't ignore all the shitty things that have been mentioned which weren't even RELEVANT to the fight in the first place. It's a vicious cycle.

Some people have the ignorance, NAY the talent, of completely forgetting these little things and then, there are some that are the BULL, the elephant/turtle hybrid, and the DONKEY in the relationship who just can't FORGET it. The latter is me. I mean I do let it go and forgive, but some words cannot be forgotten. And sadly, over the years nasty words deteriorate the love you had for the one who spoke them.

Moral here is, watch what you say. Not only when you're angry but also when you're just living daily life. It may not mean anything but a witty comeback to you at the heat of the battle, but it may just be heart-breakingly hurtful to someone else....and they will NEVER forget it. Then you meekly apologize, but what's done is done. Here's one of my most favorite quotes:

"Sharp words will cut your own throat"

Twin Blog

I googled my own blog and this little fella showed up...yes, another blog with the same name: Buddha Belle. No, I didn't steal this name and actually I was a blogspot member before him/her. I'll share some link love what with the name being from the same intellectual womb and all. It is about the "life and times of a wannabe Buddhist".

So it made me wonder, do people who come to my blog think that I am Buddhist? Well, culturally, all Mongolians are Buddhist, except for those Christian ones who converted when those "Awesome God" singers made their way over to Central Asia. I suppose nowadays there are many faiths and religions reigning over back home, but I wouldn't know. I'm all for being spiritual and all, but why do people have to come to CONVERT...sometimes by offering monetary things. These people were just fine without the salvation of baby Jesus before.

Anyway, if you're indeed wondering whether I AM a being of radiant white light.....


....................

um, no. Far from it, and damn proud of it!

My mother

Last night, I was working on my letter (for the To My Younger Self event....you should be too? :) And I was writing a section on my mother and how I should have loved her more when I was younger, of course I did but there were times I gave her lots of stress and disrespect - I was very rebellious. As I finished writing this...I thought to myself, "Geez, Jojo..it's going to be Mother's Day and you're only dedicating couple of sentences to your MOTHER?" No...she deserves a whole post, I thought. So here it is, first off let me include a picture of my mother and me, when I was a baby:
My mother's a beautiful woman, always has been....me, eh! as you can clearly see. If you ask anyone about my mom's character...they will tell you that she spent her whole life dedicating all of herself to her family...especially her children. From the generation she came from, and from our Asian culture, the women are the main nurturers. She came from a seven sibling family and when their parents died when she was a teenager, she nurtured all of her younger siblings and then the three of us when we were born.

My mother is a kind woman who cries very easily...she's ambitious, intelligent, and loving. She has her sharp-tongued moments..lol and her way of disciplining me was for me to learn from my own mistakes. She gently guided me and not only mothered, but befriended me in the closest way possible. Geez...she is the most patient person I've ever known, something which I didn't inherit, sadly, but becoming a mother myself has been a crash-course through patience itself.

When I see the wrinkles on her face and her hair graying...she forgets and complains about her back hurting...when I outgrew and she became shorter...it saddens me and I can't imagine my life without her in it. There were my stupid moments when I fought her over everything, when I would yell, kicking and screaming...I so regret. Mothers really DO want the best for you and every "nagging" comment is for your own good. She tells me that her granddaughter (LC) will get her revenge finally now that I'm in the same position. LOL!

My parents are separated now, and when both my brothers left to go back to our country, my mother and I only had each other in the vast land of America. Those were such difficult times, but we lived through it and proved that women are born with inherent perseverance. She is silent, strong, and brave...all things I hope to learn. I love you, mommy!

There is one other person I would like to mention in this post. And this is another mother I've gained in my life. My mother-in-law. She may not have given birth to me, but she's become my second mother nonetheless. She called me everyday when I was pregnant, and she couldn't love my little girl any less than me. She gave birth to my wonderful husband (though I swear to GOD there are moments when I wanna...you know?), she taught him to respect women, to be a good father, and THANK GOD, be helpful around the house. Thanks, mom!

And to the all the mothers out there, Happy Mother's Day!

Run away from Smoking

Let me tell you about a BIG hindrance that's causing me a lot of slow-down in my running, hence my weight loss. My lungs... smoking. Now get off your soapbox and continue reading without judgments please. I KNOW...already.

I started smoking in high school, tried my first cigarette in junior high with the new out-of-towner girl who was "bad". We quickly befriended and for an outcast like myself, she was my salvation. I was a late social bloomer, I felt awkward and out of place...I had only arrived in the US a year earlier, and needless to say I was FOB (fresh off the boat). I was only starting to acclimate to the culture and it was overwhelming.

Both of my brothers smoked since they were just teens, my parents despised it, and I was, I guess, curious. I didn't know all the negative things it could do to me and it was JUST THERE, and I got away with it secretly. When I was about 7, I thought cigarettes were just rolled up paper or something...so one day I rolled up an empty matchbox to resemble a cigarette and lit it up...HAHA it was terrible, obviously, and I almost set our house on fire until my brother came to the rescue. He laughed at me and made me do his chores for a long time by threatening to tell my parents. I grudgingly obliged.

Flash-forward to 8 years later, and at 15, I started smoking all the time...I cut class with my girlfriend in high school and we used to smoke all day and be "artistic". Silly, now that I think about it, but I was just trapping myself even deeper into an addiction that I'd have trouble letting go all these years later. During my college years, I smoked even more heavily...there was really none who didn't. Everybody was outside the dorms doing it. All my friends and the boys I dated did - it was the norm, so I didn't have an outer influence to help me stop...my parents still didn't know.

The whole no selling cigarettes under age 18 law doesn't work...let me tell you because I know. Most vendors never even check your ID, some didn't start checking until I was already of drinking age. And even though I studied the human body in depth and knew of all the consequences, that didn't stop me, and it doesn't for many others.

Then I met my husband and we got pregnant...my baby = my savior. It saddens me that I didn't love myself enough to stop smoking, but I sure as hell loved to death the little thing inside me that I REFUSED to taint her health...not to even give her a chance for a healthy start in life. Five days into knowing I was pregnant, I abandoned that which gave me a little comfort and company through everything...smoking had become such a part of me, that it was weird not having it around.

My husband helped me immensely by yelling at me all the time...when I had major withdrawal stress, he would just make me feel bad, asking me if I wanted to kill my baby...and it would make me wake up. After a while, I just didn't need it anymore, didn't even think about it. After months of the baby being born...I made the mistake again of picking up one cigarette. I'd sneak in one every couple of weeks...and feel terrible...feel a loser. I won't continue...but if you are having trouble right now, I feel you...just do it (quit), seriously...I mean don't DO IT, don't smoke!

• If you start forming relationships with the gas station people, then it's time to stop. They never think you're coming just to get gas, you know?
• If this secret activity is lowering your self-esteem...why even continue?
• It's very difficult, but the best thing is just going cold turkey...no patches, gums, or lasering your brain.

I want to RUN, be able to run long enough to feel the "runner's high" and not the aftermath of my own damaging. I want to run fast and FREE of all that is holding me back...which was ME.

Grassy weekend

Sunday people should just R&R. That should become a law...I understand during the workweek there are many things that there's no time for to complete...so you do it on the weekends. HEllo? What is Saturday for? Not for hang-overs from Friday night's shenanigans as far as I'm concerned.

I don't know what it is about suburbia but people are WAY too obsessed over their damn grass, and not the smoking kind. Seriously, it's about 4:30 pm right now and only NOW am I hearing the peace of QUIET. Since early this morning, EVERYBODY in this damn neighborhood has been mowing their lawns, doing something in their yards, NO not with just their hands, but with some kind of NOISY machinery. I don't understand why it would take someone over 8 hours to do their lawn, unless all the neighbors signed up on a time-sheet to make noise in turns and sometimes simultaneously. I haven't noticed any mansions here with serious acreage, so...yea.

This weekend hasn't been that exciting if you don't count the BBQ ribs I stuffed myself with. LC is becoming a fast crawler day-by-day and she's all over the living room carpet. The shabby thing is dirty and spotty so we've taken upon ourselves to clean it. Rug Doctor here he comes! Oh, at $21.99 per day! It worked out pretty nicely.

I ran 1.5 miles on a rainy Saturday morning with my running partner...let me tell you, inclines are not fun. Running on a trail vs. running on the treadmill is SOOO different...I'm kind of nervous now of the coming 5K, I really have to make better time in this one.

***

Reminder: I hope everyone who visits BuddhaBelle will participate in To My Younger Self event, you can find details HERE. Mother's Day is approaching and so is the deadline, I really am looking forward to reading your letters....and I better get finished with my own, yikes!

Future plans

This is me graduating last summer with my biology degree - I was six months pregnant with LC. Ever since my freshman year in high school, I'd wanted to be a doctor...one of those ambitions that many young people have